18/3

finally i open coc, had a rough day, then i saw the chat, uhh so painful, 1 decide to leave, 1 deciding to leave. Then again, as i read it agn, thn see bck the clan list, i feel so speechless. Yes i din atk, my fault, but y nobody ask? u noe u had fb, whatsapp, my phone num, i din mean why u din remind me to atk war, i mean why u don ask me why i don war? then threaten to leave, kidding me we all hav 10yrs+ friendship and 万事没得商量？no explaination no discussion nt even a chance for me to apologize? kidding me!

i remember i protested, i called, i tried my best last time, but i was alone, i was nt recognize. I tried to fight, add policies, but i got ignore by team ace, got fucked by leader, even left the clan disebabkan kezaliman pemimpin, 忠臣下场, but i haven gav up. I nvr had talent to ply games, i don hav skills, i sucks, but i hav leadership, am a tactician, planner, persuader. i pm everyone, every contact i hav, i asked weather u wana join war, wat num u wana atk, wat troops u nid, nid hlp for advice, dont use dragon for this base, don add ppl that afk for this war, wat time r u gonna atk, its ok if u bz for 2nd atk, bro don atk no1..... giv up also i first lor, cos i tried? 

i was forgiving, serious, good donator, even ur baby sitter, keep calling and msg u guys, but no one care, and u guys juz wana quit quit quit, u tried? u try to keep a team together? u try to see other people life schedule? do u noe lun having assignments and school activities? u noe bg had work everyday til late night? NO U DONT. Maxz hav assignments too, skyking have work til late night everyday too, u guys know? NO, u guys wan result, wan win war, wan ppl join war, but u care less about ppl. Even i put red status for 4 wars straight and even pm the person that start war that i dun wan join, and im still in war zzz 他妈有理过哥的感受吗？NO U DONT. 

u guys wana serious in a game? u guys serious about being serious? so wat r u guys serious about? 哥看不到噢？if 5 ppl atk everyone get 2-3 star we will win, then u guys will quiet? win then those guys that don atk can be forgiven?  i protested too, i got ignored. 是Start War 的人的错？Leader 的错？攻的人的错？No，都是我。

不攻是哥的错，哥承认，哥悔过，但哥的心里，除了歉意，只有失望。

17/3 - 18/3

today is the day whr my emotion got challenge the most, i had a really bad day, i felt like shit the whole day, my body feeling very uncomfortable, so tiring but slp 1am wake 6am everyday, didnt even hit the minimum slp requirement, dont talk about games i don even hav the energy to think straight. I think i even hav rashes under my lips, screwed.

But i was so happy i shud be singing k at 5pm, so me happily reach there to hear him say: full sir. So me and kit went to had dinner, and i laosai so badly in that shit piece of toilet, talk about bad toilet experience, and we went to watch movie.

In tis state of me i choose to watch 13 hours, looks like a nice fighting movie but actually NO, it portraits how a soldier defend a base in war, seeing his comrades die, nation abandon them, and a bunch of people to protect, kids at home, shit man, this thing is so real that it literally kills my mentality.  

12am, tired, blurr, juz wana go bck to my dorm, straight down on a dark path, under a street light, a cat jump out. I think i cant avoid it, since its running straight avoiding it might actually hit him, and car coming frm the other lane as well, i cant think of a better way, i step on the brek, then realizing car behind was sticking tight, i let go... 

i hit the emergency signal, i felt my car ran over smthn, if u are a very experience driver, u shud be able to feel it, running over smthn, squash, frnt tire, to the back tire, and my cars damper has funny cricking sounds. I stop my car, i walk out, i don care about cars behind me now, i walk out, ppl horning, i don care, i looked behind, i cant see the cat; i look at my tire, i cant see anythn; 这一刻的我坐回上车，关掉音乐，望前放空，心里除了 “what the fck had i done”, 就只剩空白。

i drove home safely. I kept thinking, i wasnt too fast, the cat jump out too suddenly, i cant avoid, i cant break; banging side cars to keep u alive? or letting ppl bang me from behind? I din do wrong, but why muz u do this to me? is it better if i get bang than i bang u? wouldnt i nt feel so fckin guilty? im convinced its ur fault, but u died in my hands. i din see ur body, but i roll

over smthn, i wish it was just a rock, and u survive between the tires, that was the oni thing that i hope for. 

I hated cats, i got food poisoning twice cos of ur furs, u guys tried to rob my food 4 times as well, i nvr liked u, but nt to the extend to flat u... i cant forgive myself, i dont need forgiveness, i ll carry this mistake for life, but how long would it take for me to cool this incident down? even my first love took me 6 months straight to let go. 

Is it too heartless to think tis way? Maybe. I dont remember things for long, happy or sad, it goes away, hate or love, it doesnt stay forever, if i always think like that, my life goes on; i missed this class, it minus me 2 marks, cant do a shit, forget bout it; my first love, for 8 yrs unchanged love, decided to stop this relationship, cant do a shit, forget bout it; I killed a cat, but if i dun bang it, i got bang, cant do a shit, forget about it; 这是向前，这是逃避，这是面对，还是停留？I nvr doubt my way of thinking, but when i question it, did i get my life? or did i lost it alrdy? 

对人生；太认真？你就输了；不认真？你赢了吗？#我的人生又迈进了一步#

10/3

Delay onset muscle soreness, if u did some quite extreame sports u would probably experience it before. Sometimes i just dont understand my own muscle, there are days that when i try to shoot the ball, my wrist cant bend ideally and the ball just go senget all the way masuk longkang; there are times when my lower body cant follow what im trying to do, i walk same hand same leg; of cos there are times that i hav such reflex that no one can stop me, and i had a great game 2 days ago whr my lower body was so active i run for 2 hrs, fast and slow, break, jump, bend, and DOMS is the nigga that bring out all those pain in 48 hours.

Firstly, wearing lebron 500+ shoe, its good, but i over used it, my socks got holes, my foot has blister, then now all the muscle soreness. My neck cant move properly, both ankle hurts, both knee hav cracking sound when i walk, both shoulder r too tired to even raise up my hands. Everything is screwed up, when u push ur muscle to a limit and not continuing doing so for the nxt few days, the muscle cooldown in a phase that it hurts me. 

Then i play games, and lost in everyone of them. doesnt really wana talk about any of them, but i always tot games is good thing to release stress, in the end its juz a distraction to fill time up, which is smthn i hav a lot. Had a 3-8pm class ytd, sports management and malaysian studies, both are hell. Why sports management has nth to do wif sports? I am basically learning human resource management. And WHY THE FUCK i still need to listen about how the FUCKING PELANDUK kick the FUCKING DOG in to the FUCKING RIVER saw by a FUCKING INDIAN under a FUCKING TREE, please, this day couldnt get anymore shittier. 

Its my bday soon, its nt the main point, the main point is that plus minus 10 days of my bday loudspeaker sing k is totally free. I can just go there lying on the sofa enjoying aircond and base wif free drinks, but i wont go alone. And when this is the time u feel that, even u r in ur country, ur area, ur house, with supposingly a lot of friends around you, no one, can, or wang to join me. I sometimes feel wrong having interests different from other guys, must i actually join u guys go gym, go cc, drink liquor, smoke sisha, go clubbing, only will we get more closer? After joining other gangs, i feel more alone than ever, of cos we still hav shared interest, basketball dota, but this 2 things actually spoil friendship faster than ever. I value teamwork as much as the result of the game, i rather lose than scoring everything myself, thats my way of winning. But everyone has different philosophy, im the strongest, u shud only rely on me, shut up and giv me the ball; oh i cant do this, but i cant pass the ball to other people, might as well just shoot it(self convinced), (and miss), sry guys that situation i cant do anythn (bullshit); then there r guys that wana show off, some like to scold people, as u play longer in sports, u realize everyone think differently, and how much u need to treasure people whose brainwave is in sync with you. 

There are people actually play basketball so that they can bang you; there are people that only know how to win by playing cheat, step on ur leg when u jump, scratch, slap, push, i experienced a lot. I was even 1 of them when i was still in SMK, guys take a longer time to get mature. I cant believe this few days i only slpt 6 hrs a day, i love basketball, but i dont have the right body to play the right sport, no height, no muscle, no size, so what u hav experience, skills and speed, i cant even include speed cos it hurts when i run, i hurts more when i emergency break, maybe i shud juz quit, i will have lesser things to be stress of, maybe. 

2/3

Today my sole uni mate chris finally, finally call me, but of cos, 无事打给我，非奸即盗. He was working at melaka, now coming back to TBS, wan me to fetch him go semenyih friend's place, sun bian hav fun around there. This is my first week of uni start, everyday i hav class, lucky him im in uni, but i could had go home cos my class ends at 10am, and tmr starts at 3pm. But i cant control myself being a nice guy, i decide to go with him. I woke up at 6am, reach school hav class til 10am, fetch him around 11am, he tell me semenyih got good food ok we go semenyih and reach at 12am. p/s: i haven eat anythn at all.

So basically they both work in a small hotel as a, i duno wat position but somehow in this 分店 his friend paling besar 0.0 and he went to melaka outlet for a while, so fun when ur friend's friend's aunty is rich lol but his friend belum finish work, so somehow chris became bangla 1, i became bangla driver, til 3pm, finally, we go eat. 

I actually envy both of them a lot. His friend just finish f5, cos of some connection, now he is the supervisor of this hotel, sula suka pick any room as his bedroom, work frm 8am-3pm with 2.5k per month, can go chill smoke drink anytime he wan (he paling besar), of cos he has to work everyday la. Di di ngo nxt time come out 8-6pm mon-sat also duno got 2.5k or not, work dao so 无忧无虑, i jealous like shit. Handle check in out, key in computer, make sure account is correct, solve guests problem, handle workers salary, ok siap 1 bulan. 

Maybe u might think i hav no ambition, but like him alrdy working after spm, compare to my ptptn debt, i feel lagi low than him, and he is nt stopping, how u know mayb after a few months he get to transfer to HQ become smthn else, thinking later 3pm i hav class, i juz wana keep on slpin in this hotel room TT 

every friends hav their own story, its juz tat during my SMK time my gang only wan a degree, and it became my only choice as well. After joining so many gangs, i see so many ppl with diff colourful 出路, but tat time i alrdy survive 2nd yr degree, puki canot run liao. Last time mama keep telling me u come out wif a degree then u can work as anythn u like, i was stupid i shud had juz picked finance, doesnt mean i ll do well in it, but i definitely aint doing well in engineering, the only good thing about me is i haven fail, yet. What to do, time to go class, today til 8pm TT